Varsity (Only a Few Months Late)

"It takes all kinds of people to make a world." 

-Cry, the Beloved Country- Alan Paton

Okay, so here's the thing. I have started a few posts, but never finish or publish them. So you want the update? hmmm... where to start?
Okay, quote of yesterday, or the week, or today... not sure, just know yesterday I couldn't stop thinking about this song. It is a pop song, but it describes it all pretty well.

"Don't do love, don't do friends; I'm only after success.
Don't need a relationship, I'll never soften my grip.
Don't want cash, don't want car; want it fast, want it hard.
Don't need money, don't need fame: I just want to make a change.
I just wanna change. (x5)
I know exactly what I want and who I want to be.
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine. 
I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy. 
Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no. 
One track mind, one track heart. If I fail I'll fall apart. 
Maybe it is all a test, 'cause I feel like I'm the worst -- so I always act like I'm the best. 
If you are not very careful, your possessions will possess you.
 TV taught me how to feel, now real life has no appeal.
It has no appeal, it has no appeal, it has no appeal, it has no appeal.

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be.

I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine. 

I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy. 

Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no.

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly. I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly. I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die, die, die, die.

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be.

I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine. 

I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy. 

Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no.

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be.

I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine. 

I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy. 

Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no.

Oh, oh no, oh no, oh no."

Marina & the Diamonds - Oh No

(The color is green for the chorus, but the rest of the color is just because I am bored)

I think I will use this song to demonstrate some of the things about this year. I will start with the most recent events.

"Don't do love, don't do friends; I'm only after success.

One track mind, one track heart. If I fail I'll fall apart. 

I'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy. 

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly. I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die.

I know exactly what I want and who I want to be.

I just wanna change.

These all have to do with me in different ways. Last night I kept thinking "One track mind, one track heart. If I fail I'll fall apart." See last night was the swim banquet, and it went.. less than amazing. It for the most part fun. some highlights were:

• I covered my friend Jenny's eyes and said, "guess who?" like I do every time I see her, but she threw out her arms for some reason and hit someone who was carrying a couple pieces of cake, which was pretty funny when he dropped it and we all just kind of stood there not knowing what to do and laughing.
• When my friend Tyler would hug me he kept picking me up, which is scary but really fun, he even spun me around! (If anyone like Moogle Kid is reading this, no there is not romantic connection, we are just friends, but I will get to that later.)
• Allie kept making snarky comments about everything and it made me laugh. Also, Jacky left early, so Allie asked me to come get "Irishman Luck" from one of the coaches who is going on a mission. Since he will be gone for two years I decided to inform him it was called Irishman Luck...
• I sat by my friend Kelly, and that was a lot of fun because she is nice and hearing her mom talk to my mom was hilarious.
• Everyone was so excited to see each other, so people made it fun!

On to the negatives:

• I didn't letter.
• The whole banquet was dedicated to one of the team captains (let's call him Erik), and to a lesser extent one of the other captains (Sally) and Jake.
• I learned a few hard truths that stung, but in the long run I guess it is good to not be questioning.

You may or may not know what lettering is, it is getting a certificate saying you made varsity. It may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is a HUGE deal for me. I have thought about varsity almost everyday, and pretty much everyone I talk to regularly knows it. I know exactly what I want and who I want to be. 

I have swam like crazy all year, I have swam year round, I have asked EVERY single coach for help (except the head coach, because if you are not Erik or Jake he will not give you the time of day), I haven't missed swim for anything- even when it would be advisable to. I swam with bronchiolitis, croup, strep (twice), asthma, and a few colds. (Yes, I have been very sick this winter.) I am not trying to throw a pity party, but I want you to see a little about how much it meant.

I talk about it a lot, I have asked every person remotely connected to the sport who has seen me or been a swimmer themselves for advice. I have taken everyone's advice and tried it at least a little. I have gone home and fallen asleep almost immediately because I am so tired from swim. I just wanna change. My grades have suffered and my body and mind have definitely suffered as well as many of my friendships. Don't do love, don't do friends; I'm only after success.

I feel like I have done everything I possibly could, I couldn't ask for more help or work harder or put anymore effort in, but I still didn't make my goal. I still didn't letter, no matter how hard I tried. A lot of my friends didn't work as hard or care as much (I feel okay saying that because they would agree) but they lettered. Shelby has even commented often, "It isn't really a big deal, EVERYONE gets a letter. It doesn't even mean anything." 

Even though it isn't a big deal to her, to me it is everything. I lost it when they first announced in October the (then) current varsity prediction and I wasn't on it: I was fine . . .  until I got home, at which point I cried until I fell asleep, then woke up and cried some more. One track mind, one track heart. If I fail I'll fall apart.  I worked harder after that, but in the end it didn't make me letter. (I don't cry much, even though this might make you think I do.)

I do want to point out that about two or three days after region I found out I had bad strep, so maybe if I hadn't been sick I wouldn't have gained time and I would have scored points at region. (I got one place lower than I needed to get to score points at regions, which is the only thing I needed that I didn't have for lettering.)

What I hate is the coaches have this phrase they love to use. It is: "You are just right there." Just right there means you are just at the point where you could either pass or fail. Basically, it means you are the best you can be while still failing or you are the first loser, or anything along those lines. 

"Just right there" ... Possibly my least favorite phrase. It is like saying, "You are okay.. but it means nothing at all, sorry. sucks to suck"

Okay, it has been like three months since I last wrote on this.. but I think I will kinda go off again and finish, though it might be a little different because time has passed. I will start with the next part of the song,